It’s been only a couple of weeks now since I wrote a post questioning both the generally accepted concept of Coming Out and the point of coming out to parents. In that time, there have been at least two significant Australian sports media stories associated with gay identity. The first was about the AFL sports commentator Brian Taylor referring to a top footy player as a ‘big poofta’ during a live broadcast. His comments came less than a month after he publicly described the dress style of a colleague as ‘gay’.
The second story is the probably more substantial in its repercussions. (The sad fact is that such homophobic comments from sports commentators in Australia appear to still be somewhat of a norm). Ian Thorpe’s public ‘coming out’ to Michael Parkinson is the story to which I am referring and if you missed it, you must have had a weekend without news!
Ian Thorpe: Part of me didn’t know if Australia wanted its champion to be gay.
Social media has been buzzing with opinion about the Thorpedo’s decision. In response, columnist and publisher of Mamma Mia, Mia Freedman, wrote that despite lots of well-meaning protest about Ian Thorpe’s sexuality not being an issue, it clearly was for many Australians. She illustrated this by referring to Taylor’s continued bigotry.
Ian Thorpe has been lying about his sexuality for more than a decade. And we have to ask ourselves why. Did he fear being ridiculed? Did he worry he’d lose the respect or affection of an Australian public who had always adored him? Was he scared it would affect his employment prospects? Did he think his sponsors would abandon him? Was he afraid that he’d be vilified?
The answers it seems, from Ian Thorpe’s interview, are yes, yes, Yes, YES and YES!
I was already living somewhat of a lie in my life because I was trying to be what I thought was the right athlete by other people’s standards. I wanted to make people proud. I wanted to make my family proud and my nation proud of me.
Part of me didn’t know if Australia wanted its champion to be gay.
I didn’t want to be gay but I realised everything I was doing, I was still gay at the end of the day. That was most definitely a part of it, then it was that big lie. I felt there was a weight with that. Also people’s reactions. I was scared.”
Counselling for Gay Sexuality: Identity is more than Coming Out
While in my work as a counselling therapist, I regularly speak with men who are attempting to reconcile the weight of public opinion, sports commentator’s homophobic remarks, presumed responses from family members and often even the security of their jobs (these are just a few examples) with making some kind of acknowledgement of their sexual orientation. What they usually want is to be relieved of the burden to keep an aspect of their identity secret. They want to be themselves, without fear. It seems fair enough!
Some of my colleagues and commentators from within gay networks suggest that there is a simple answer to this, that is, to come out of the closet. They make a convincing argument that the challenges faced by LGBTQ people are primarily a result of internalized homophobia and prescribe counselling.
But few people I know ever went into ‘the closet’. It was built around them by others. I couldn’t possibly count the number of occasions growing up gay when I was exposed to comments like those of the aforementioned sports commentator. These comments came from teachers, family members, colleagues, friends, television and radio personalities and columnists in newspapers and magazines. The message I heard coalesced into ‘You and your type are not welcome to be yourselves around us‘.
This effect of this doesn’t simply go away when a law is changed or a new gay character with admirable qualities graces the TV screen or a family member kisses us and says ‘I still love you’ or an Olympic gold medalist swimmer says he is now comfortable telling the world he is gay. Even if the tide of public opinion towards gay men has turned, whenever someone assumes I am straight, I am faced with a decision. Do I clarify in a mini coming-out or do I let it go and remain invisible?
Gay Men in Australia: Coming out and the Heteronorm
It seems to be somewhat of an obligation for gay men in Australia to ‘come out’ these days. And perhaps if it just involved an act of making a single declaration that would change everything, I’d be a convert to the idea as well. But for most gay guys, coming-out is something that doesn’t take place in a single defining moment while making an announcement to parents or an English TV presenter (let’s remember that Ian Thorpe has already done both and more). For as long as we live within the heteronorm, the set of misleading false binaries around gender, sex or sexual expression, those who don’t fit it can look forward to ongoing comings-out.
It is a personal choice whether to share your understanding of yourself and identity with others and it should not have to done with an apologetic tone or as an act of uncomfortable disclosure, as if non-hetero sexual orientation is some kind of crime. If you need help with that, or with navigating your way through to feeling better about your sexuality, you are welcome to contact me.
I do hope that Ian Thorpe’s story helps other men – including sports figures – find ways of living their lives more freely. I look forward to seeing him speaking out publicly, on an episode of Australian Story and I look forward to reading the revised version of the Ian Thorpe autobiography. Sports reporters and others take note: if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
Let’s quit with the emphasis on ‘Coming Out’ in favour of developing a society that promotes inclusion and values diversity. We could all be inviting others IN instead of insisting or obliging them to ‘come out’.
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