You can’t live anyone else’s life, just your own. So you have to keep giving yourself what you need on your journey, this transition into Gay Life.
The journey out of shame and transition into gay life requires support, knowledge and courage.
During 2015 I’ve worked with a number of men in the process of coming out of straight partnerships (including marriages) and into gay lives and new identity. These journeys can be confusing, frightening and intensely de-stabilising, not only for the men making them but for their partners and families as well. It saddens me that so many psychologists, psychotherapists and counsellors have such a poor understanding of what it is like for men coming out later in life and the kind of help and support these men might need.
The opening quote is from a man who made such a life transition into gay life, in his words, a journey out of shame. In hindsight, he spoke of the importance of preparing for each step and having the right ‘gear’: skills and knowledge he needed along the way. He also told me that having the opportunity to talk openly with me, without fear of judgement, had provided him the courage to keep going.
At the time of contacting me, this particular man had been besieged by guilt and shame. The first therapist he consulted diagnosed him with a sex-disorder. The ‘treatment’ involved prayer and self-denial- he was told he could not even masturbate! The man’s wife was described as ‘the victim’ which of course made the man out to be a ‘perpetrator’ and only contributed to his sense of guilt. Something that was intrinsic to this man – his attraction to other men – had been constructed as both pathology and sin (bad science and unhelpful religion colluding together!). Instead of welcoming another of life’s transitions, this guy saw himself as being in the midst of a mid-life crisis.
How does such a guy make the journey out of shame and transition into gay life and self-acceptance? My experience working with many gay and bisexual men suggests there are 4 factors that influence how long such a transition might take.
#1. The level of acceptance before you make a transition into gay life.
A higher degree of acceptance by a girlfriend or wife strongly correlates to higher self-acceptance and less shame by the man going through a transition into gay life. It is not always so easy for partners to accept what is happening. When a man takes the courageous step of opening up to his partner about what he wants for his life, it can be met with fear and derision. Some partners, however, say they always knew and are more concerned to maintain a sense of stability for the family.
#2. The strength of connection to other gay or bisexual men.
The more connection and friendships with other men that guys have, the less shame they tend to experience. The difficulty with this can be that friendships with other gay men so often evolve out of sexual encounters and this can impact an existing heterosexual relationship. So it is worth sorting out what comes first and how connection with other guys is established, particularly if there is an assumption of monogamy in the straight relationship.
#3. The courage and willingness to step out into connection with other gay men.
Even when others accept and welcome the changes they are making, some men are held back by fear of action. Obviously there is sense in talking through priorities and steps involved, but usually at some point fears need to be faced if progress is to be made.
#4. The presence of role models or other men who have made a transition into gay life.
These are strange new worlds for some men. Those who tend to have easier transitions often already know of a gay man they admire or respect who can light the way. It could be someone in the family, at work, a person from the past or even a historical figure who can give a sense that life as a gay man can be good and preferable. Even tv and films can provide useful coming-out stories or role models as inspiration.
Not everyone does or can move forward at the same pace. And there are going to be ups and downs in mood. Having a vision is important and this is something we can work out in online counselling conversations or face to face therapy. The journey out of shame is a personal journey but you don’t have to make it alone. Having a therapist as a go-to person when you are finding it tough can help you to endure the journey. Don’t give up! It can and does get better. And remember, in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.