Gay relationships, like other intimate partnerships, function well when they are places of refuge and safety in which each individual can grow. So when being coupled leads to agitation, discomfort, manipulation or mistrust, it’s a sign something needs to change.
I encounter a lot of same sex relationships that are clearly in trouble. It might be a simple case of ‘enmeshment’ where the individuals lose their personal boundaries to each other. But when one partner is exerting control and holding power over the other, the outcome can be toxic. Your partner’s manipulation might be subtle but, like domestic violence and coercive control, it will undermine you if left unchecked. Enduring an uncomfortable situation for so long can leave you struggling to know if something is really wrong or if it is just your imagination.
The first step in fixing a relationship is to clock what is going wrong and call it out. Here are 6 ways in which your gay partner might be undermining you.
1. Gaslighting or ‘Crazy-Making’
The expression ‘gaslighting’ is all over the Internet right now. While the term originates from an old Hollywood thriller called Gaslight, it means more than just deception or manipulation. It specifically refers to making another person doubt or mistrust their self.
For example, you might feel sad or angry and want to discuss what isn’t working for you but your partner calls you depressed or anxious (or ‘bipolar’ or ‘adhd’ or another kind of pathology or condition). They might say ‘it’s all in your mind’ or ‘you think everyone is against you’. They might suggest you are mentally ill and that you cannot trust yourself. And maybe you start wondering if you are going crazy.
Trusting yourself is important. If you can be convinced you can’t trust yourself you will certainly fall under the control of a manipulative partner. Getting good with yourself is critical to surviving gaslighting. Meeting with a supportive therapist can help you improve the relationship you have with yourself. If you have started thinking you might be going insane, it’s possible your partner is driving you there!
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2. Abandoned with Care
A more subtle and specific form of gaslighting takes the form of being made to feel important but worthless at the same time. This is when your partner continues to appear to care for you but ceases to require anything of you beyond turning up. They might make lovely meals, look after the home and pay for everything but they give up needing anything specific from you. They either infantilise you – behave towards you as if you are a helpless child – or treat you like a patient in an asylum.
If a relationship is to grow, each individual must show faith by asking the other to step up to certain expectations or respond to specific needs. If your partner is not doing this, they are abandoning your worth as an adult. You end up feeling like a little kid or someone who can’t be trusted with responsibility. You might start to express your anger but, instead of hearing you out, your partner insists on hugging you or feeding you or sitting you in front of a movie to calm you down. Sound familiar?
3. Being Demoted below Family and Friends
Some think relationships are all about compromise. But if you are taking second or third place behind your partner’s family and friends the risk is you will soon be reduced to a piece of furniture or baggage in their life. There is a simple formula for understanding this. A partner represents the family of choice as differentiated from the family of origin which is not chosen. It’s reasonable to assume that what is chosen in life deserves to be higher status than what isn’t.
The security of being in a relationship where you think you are loved and cared for shouldn’t mean trading your personhood for your partner’s interest and support. Just because you want commitment doesn’t mean you need to accept a demotion. Being ‘committed’ isn’t enough when the relationship goes into decline and you fall into the background of your partner or spouse’s life.
4. Unilateral Decisions
Does your partner regularly make decisions without consulting you but it feels like there is nothing you can do? Perhaps you arrive home and they have refurnished the living room without any discussion. Or they have purchased a week at a ski resort even though you had spoken about a tropical island getaway. When you find out, you feel resentful, but your partner suggests you are making a big deal out of nothing.
Unless you negotiate an understanding that one of you decides over all decor or financial matters, in each of these instances a failure to discuss such decisions amounts to a power imbalance. You can address this before it escalates. And if you notice a long standing pattern of unilateral decisions by your partner, it is time to start practicing assertiveness. This will probably come as a shock to your spouse!
5. Demands Without Offers
A demand without an offer is a specific kind of unilateral decision. It’s the expectation from your partner that you participate in or do something they want without any negotiation and without any recognition of what you might need in return. In other words, my way or the highway.
For example, your partner used to invite you to attend their family event, now you have no choice and no say in the matter, you are expected to be there. Or you are told what you have to do around the house without hint of appreciation for your effort. In such instances you are obliged to comply just because you are the husband or boyfriend or ‘significant other’. Perhaps you are informed that it’s your ‘duty’ as their ‘other half’.
This kind of behaviour partly defines an enmeshed or codependent relationship. You experience straight-world conditioning from your family of origin. You witness your parents’ demands-without-offers and learn what you see. So when appreciation in your own intimate relationship ceases, or you stop negotiating the terms of your partner’s requests, it becomes a replication of your parents’ problems. But it doesn’t need to be that way.
6. Outsourcing the Rules
None of my friends would do that…
… a boyfriend is supposed to…
That book I’m reading says we should…
If your partner is using social norms or an outside authority to judge your relationship it’s likely they are ‘outsourcing the rules’. In this case, instead of being prepared to share their emotions or ask for what they need personally, they bully you into meeting their demands. To do this they might refer to attitudes of their friends or family (‘bring in the army’) or tell you what isn’t ‘normal’ or justify a course of action according to what ‘most people’ would do (‘decision by committee’).
This kind of outsourcing is toxic because it undermines the power of the relationship as well as your status as a chosen partner. The suggestion that you or your relationship can’t be trusted to work out a particular course of action, that it needs to go to an outside arbitrator instead, is really a symptom of your partner’s lack of trust in you. And if you tolerate this way of thinking, you confirm you can’t be trusted. Why should others be deciding how your relationship operates?
These are just a few examples of how your partner might be manipulating you to have control of the relationship. Go with your gut feeling when you think that something might be wrong. Believe in yourself and call it out. And remember: just because you think you might be going crazy, it doesn’t mean you are. And even if you are, it’s probably because someone or something else is creating the madness!
As a last comment, it’s fair to say that many straight people treat gay relationships as having lower standing to hetero ones. Keep in mind that straight people are often also outsourcing but from hetero culture. So, if you ask their opinion, you might find it comes from a different rulebook.
If having a confidential conversation might help you work out what is going on in your relationship, contact me now to book an appointment.